Understanding Why Relationships End And How To Avoid The Mistakes

Nearly 3 years ago I came out of a long-term relationship and I never figured out the exact reason it ended. It used to really get to me because I am one for needing to know the answers to the questions that I ask myself. 

Since becoming a life coach I figured out some plausible answers and this is very common in why most relationships start to go downhill. All relationships are dependent upon the 6 Human Needs - Certainty, Uncertainty / Variety, Significance, Love/Connection, Growth and Contribution. Every person will have the needs in different orders of importance. 

Both partners in the relationship will want their needs met, and it is when we do not meet the needs of out partner in the way we want them expressed, we will seek to meet our needs in other ways, which can lead to the relationship breaking down. 

So the perspective from myself is that I wanted to grow and become more than I was, I was starting a new business having left a job that I was no longer enjoying I wanted to help people become happier and healthier.  I knew it would require a lot of work in the beginning, purely because I was dealing with stuff that I had never had to deal with. This meant working on the business at evening and weekends, to the detriment of spending time with my girlfriend at the time. 

To add to this, and to a certain extent this is also due to myself and the way I was acting, she did not appreciate what I was doing and when I was struggling initially, the nay-saying started to come in.  I would get comments such as "what job are you going to do when your business fails?". Harsh, and it started the spiral downwards for me, as I did not feel supported in what I was doing.  I did not feel important either.

When a man does not feel significant, and not getting the love that he wants,  he will do something that will make him feel important. For some men, this would involve cheating on their partner. I do not condone the behaviour, but it is important to understand this. For me, my clients made me feel important, they were helping me to grow and I was contributing to their general happiness, and with my girlfriend working away for 4 days a week, I was focusing on what I could do. 

This was only the start, I got told that I should not go to the gym too much because my ex was not liking how my body was changing. I did not like being told certain things. She got annoyed if I shaved.  So in reality I was pushing her away because of what was happening.

From her perspective, I was not giving her certainty, which she needed most. I was working lots of hours in the week, and in one sense I was excited as I love being around people. I was in a position whereby life was changing and in reality there was a sense of I am meeting a lot of new people and there could be some insecurity. Ultimately I became distant and was not giving her the love/connection that she wanted. 

Before we broke up we went on holiday, it was make or break for us, I was really racking my brain as to how I could make her happy. Every attempt went wrong, to the point whereby I could not even get buying a bottle of water right! 

So we broke up, but now the lessons I have learnt can be put into any relationship. 

The first thing is to meet the needs of your partner first. Do not be afraid to ask what it is important to them and how they need it to happen as everyone is different. When you focus on your partners needs, you are not focusing on yourself, and your partner will be more appreciative for your efforts. 

Secondly, which can be done with the above point, is to use what is known in strategic intervention, as the 'Pick Three' strategy. For me this works really well in my current relationship. My current girlfriend gives me 3 tasks to do each day that will make her happy.

They should be simple tasks such as:

• Book the hotel
• Take out rubbish
• Make dinner
• Meet me after work so we can go for a drink
• Give me a hug and a kiss when I come home

The point of these tasks are that they are things that they will make your partner happy, not you. Your partner will feel appreciated, and less likely to resent you.  

The reason there are only 3 actions, is so that your partner does not feel overloaded with tasks that they do not do a great job.  Having done this for myself, my relationship with my current girlfriend is just the same, great relationship as when we started 2 years ago. We have managed to live together and really understand each other so well that meeting the needs of each other becomes effortless. 

I have used the strategy above to make a difference in the lives of many couples as what I have mentioned about relationships in this article is common for all couples who experience difficulties. Not all is lost and the love can be regained. If you are finding yourself in a new relationship just by working on these strategies and focusing on the needs of your partner then you can look forward to a long and happy relationship. 

If you need help with your relationship, please get in contact to book a complimentary 30 minute life coaching session. You can do so by contacting me as follows:

Email: jbryantcoaching@outlook.com

Mobile: 07516357042

Don't let the mistakes that a lot of people make when in relationships happen to you. Some simple strategies and advice is all that it takes to turn a relationship around.